2015年1月21日2015雅思作文讨论型作文分析

这是一位雅思写作考试6.5分的同学写的作文，应当来说，根底不错，写从句没有问题。这位同学的方针是，写作想上7分。

 

看到TA的这篇discuss类的文章，很明显，TA很走运！由于前次考的必定不是discuss类型的文章。由于这样的写法顶多6.0。明显，TA说前次写的是利害的标题。

 

先看看学生原文：

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There is a growing consensus that the administrations as well as some industrial companies have the obligation and capacity to protect and promote our living surroundings. More specifically,most economic achievements have been obtained at the cost of the environmental pollution and the scarcity of resources of local areas. Besides, the governments are blessed with sound budget and legal system so that the detailed arrangement cannot be a bother. And this position claims that international cooperation is significantly important to this situation and only by joint effort can pool enough investment and labor force.

 

However, it is contended by some critics that, to some extent, personal actions are superior to other efforts in dealing with this disturbing problem. In details, the whole perfect plan may turn out to be an empty sheet if the residents do not obey the orders and even keep worsening the environment. So this argument goes on that, it is the individuals’ actions, indeed, that put all theories into practice. So under this circumstance, person should and must play an irreplaceable role in this issue.

 

详细问题如下：

 

1，典型的传话筒文章。中心两段没有自个的情绪。换句话说，尽管考官写的文章在中心段客观，可是也能看出自个对双方的情绪。而这位同学写的彻底看不出来。

2，中心段拓宽方法不对。没有将一个观点彻底打开，并且用了more specifically, in details这些车轱辘话。

3，套句明显：this position claims, so this argument goes on。

4，逻辑方面的连接欠好。对于逻辑方面，我的详细点评如下：

 

比方，There is a growing consensus that the administrations as well as some industrial companies have the obligation and capacity to protect and promote our living surroundings（观点：公司和政府有职责保护环境）. More specifically,most economic achievements have been obtained at the cost of the environmental pollution and the scarcity of resources of local areas.（详细地说，他们经济方面的成功是以环境为价值。）Besides，。。。。。。。。。（依照前面两句所说，那么第三句话就应当是：因而公司不能为了经济利益而损坏环境。相反，他们应当.....）可是，从besides开端TA又从头引入了一个新的观点。给人感受就是一个都没说清楚，又弄另一个去了。

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